It became clear to Phil and I this morning that today might be one of dad’s last.  The mounting organ failure and greater distance from the days he showed an ability to respond were hard to ignore.  The continued shocking to keep his heart going and the painful blank stares were extremely hard to witness.  As it was yesterday we were unable to see the path forward.  The next course of treatment was dialysis, but there was little to no benefit with high risk given his condition, so we declined that option.  We then requested a conference with the cardiology team and surgical team that have been caring for him valiantly this past month.  They all concurred that faced with heart, liver, and kidney failure there is no path forward that would lead to leaving the ICU.  In addition, they shared our deep concern about the status of his brain.  

We met with the team responsible for making dad comfortable and allowing him to pass away peacefully.  They reviewed all the options with us and we agreed on a course of action.  Phil and I were supported by a hospital full of people who were clearly cheering for us.  We were propped up by two beautiful women who have stood by us faithfully as we have walked this unknown road together.  We said our goodbyes as we leaned over his bed and whispered in his ear.  I sang a song over him as I held his hand and watched my brother as he stood heartbroken on the other side of the bed we stood beside for so long.  He started to slip away silently in contrast to all the machines that had kept him alive.  He breathed his last and we wept.

Today marks 4 weeks to the day of his initial 3 cardiac arrests at Methodist Hospital.  A day where nearly all hope was lost.  A day that led to the next day where hope was restored and the following week when we got to talk with him one last time.  I imagine I will have a lot more time over the next days and months to reflect on this experience and more clearly understand how this all fits into the plan God has for us.  There are a few things that seem abundantly clear to me, and they are why I am writing this post now.  I believe God allowed the extra time with my dad so he could experience unconditional love from his sons.  I believe there was little doubt in his mind when he woke up that we loved him as unconditionally as our flawed human hearts can love.  I believe this was very significant to a man who was very insecure about such things.  He had nothing to offer except himself in his broken condition and we were there faithfully every day regardless.  I believe this is one of the ways God revealed himself to my dad once again in his final hours.

I can also see how the journey this past month has revealed the tremendous support network of family and friends that surround us.  I have always known I have been abundantly blessed, but it is never more clear than now.  I am so thankful to have my brother Phil to stand shoulder to shoulder with in the midst of chaos.  We share a bond and common experiences that knit people together in a way that binds them for life, and for that I am thankful.  My wife continues to amaze me with her strength, beauty, and grace.  She is the person God placed in my life to teach me to love unconditionally and give me the strength to persevere through life’s trials.  My mom has been a prayer warrior and there for every morning’s call as we faced a new day.  There are countless others that have prayed and offered their support.

The heart of the matter is that God loved us so unconditionally that He sent His Son to die for us.  It wasn’t based on our merits or the things we could offer.  In our broken condition with nothing but an empty hand He chose to offer us salvation at an unimaginable cost.  We are His most valued possession, but we don’t often live like it.  We let the lies and deception of this world convince us that we are not worth anything, so we turn to things never designed to satisfy us and they lead down the road to destruction.  In our hurt and despair we often push our loved ones away from us.  I believe my dad was no different.  I imagine in some ways he did not feel he deserved to have Phil and I standing there beside him every day in the same way he did not feel he deserved salvation.  In the end it is only about unconditional love and the question of what we deserve can be removed from the equation when we put our trust in Jesus and confess our sins.

I am part of my dad’s living legacy and I intend to run the race with endurance and finish strong.  I intend to love as well and as deeply as I possibly can and I hope to encourage others to do the same along the way.  I will continue to show my kids through my example that love is what matters the most.  I hope to speak life to those who are lost and hurting and have accepted the lies of this world.  I hope God will use my writing and music to bring comfort to those who mourn.  I hope to use the skills and abilities invested in heavily by my dad to support others who share a similar mission to pour some much needed love into this world.  This is the greatest gift I can give my dad.  He traveled a great distance in his lifetime and with God on my side I will finish strong.