I have often reflected on the relationship I have with my father, and have wrestled with a wide range of thoughts and feelings over the years. Based on conversations with many friends throughout my adult life this seems to be the natural course. This is especially true after we have sons and daughters of our own. Although I approach and see life much differently than my father I have grown to greatly admire and respect the great distance he has traveled in his lifetime. A distance traveled to give my brothers and I every opportunity to succeed in life. We often think of this success in the context of finances or social status, but it goes much deeper.
We have a tendency in our culture to look at the surface of everything. With people we look at outward appearances, actions, and words. We gather everything we feel we need to know and pass judgements or place people in boxes often without even realizing we have done it. I have found I often passed judgement on my dad in the past, but like ogres and onions I came to realize he has layers. Once I took the time to peel back the layers to really see his heart I discovered the beauty in him. Once I took the time to understand all the obstacles he had to overcome in his life I gained a new insight into who he is as a man. Understanding the picture is not always easy. Especially when we realize our parents are either too quick to offer excuses or they are stoic and not willing to share their trials. My dad is definitely in the stoic camp.
He came from a home where fatherhood was not modeled and abuse was common place. His dad was around, but much of that time he caused more hurt and pain than comfort to his children. Fortunately they had a loving mother who managed to hold the family together despite her difficult circumstances. She passed away when I was 6. I imagine I would have been very fond of her as my dad still is today. It is my sense that she is the one who my dad always knew loved him unconditionally. It saddens me to think she passed so young and how much her love would have continued to transform my dad’s life as he tried to discover what it was to be a man on his own.
My dad left home as quickly as he could to join the Army. It was a decision that dramatically altered the course of his life. A decision that led to the development of skills and knowledge allowing him to achieve remarkable success in his career. A decision that would also lead to some of the emotional wounds that have never left him. I wish I had a greater picture of his Army days and how those experiences led him to other places in his journey. Maybe someday he will be able to share more about his first wife and my half brother Jack. I imagine some important pieces of understanding my dad’s life lie there.
As far as my childhood is concerned I remember my dad always being there for me. Even when I ran away and when I did not see clearly how much he loved me. Even in the midst of times when I would have made different choices or modeled fatherhood differently. There is no debating we have different value systems, but some of the greatest gifts I have been given came from my dad. He never discouraged me from pursuing my dreams or trying some crazy idea. Even if he knew he’d have to pick me up and dust me off. He valued learning and education highly even though he was never given the opportunity to pursue learning by his father. He bought me a computer when I was in 4th grade because he understood they were the future. He sat beside my bed early every morning I was in the hospital until I would wake up. Now I find myself sitting beside his bed in the hospital every morning until he wakes up. He used to tickle my nose with a paper towel. I told him the other day I was going to return the favor, and he suggested I dip it in bacon grease to make the torture more complete.
I see so clearly now how much my dad has overcome in his life in order to give me the opportunity to become the man and father I am today. He has broken many of the chains, barriers, and unhealthy cycles that tend to plague generations of families. My son and daughters have a home they can dream in and a dad who adores them because of his sacrifice. My wife has a husband who loves and adores her because of his sacrifice. It is not always easy to see or understand how God works all things to the good of those who love Him. It is especially hard to see God’s hand at work in those who don’t believe. My dad does not yet believe, but he is the one who cultivated my love for music. Now I lead worship in a church. My dad is the one who sent me to Bethel. There I met many of the people who have spoken truth into my life for many years now. My dad is the one who taught me about auto mechanics, computers, and all things technical. These gifts have impacted every aspect of my life, and I hope I am able to bless others with those gifts as much as I have been blessed.
As I sit beside my dad’s hospital bed I am at peace. I know how much he loves me and that he is proud of me. I don’t feel there are too many words left unsaid or issues we need to work through in our relationship. I know who he is and what he has done. I look past the cloudy surface and see the beautiful parts of his life. I believe he will be awake soon and I will have a chance to tell him about my love for Jesus and explain why He means everything to me. I also hope to share this letter with him so he knows how much I love and respect him for who he is and what he has done for me. Nothing more and nothing less.
If you have anything left unsaid or forgiveness that needs to be offered I want to encourage you to be bold. Take some serious time to consider those you feel may have offended you in some way. If you are the one needing forgiveness I encourage you to humble yourself and ask. In either case I want to encourage you to dig a bit deeper and find that place where healing begins. True forgiveness is powerful. It transforms lives and families. It is at the core of the Christian faith. We are often poor examples of it, but we have the ultimate example of forgiveness in Christ Jesus. No matter what happened in the past it can all be washed away. No matter what the reasons for the decisions we’ve made it can all be washed away. That is what Jesus meant when He said “I am making all things new.” Let the healing begin.